Stand Up Routine

• When I went to college in Atlanta, Georgia people would say "Oh you're from up north!" In Salt Lake City, Utah they would say, "Oh you're from back East!" But in NY everyone says the same thing, "Where are you from?"
• You see I never fit in. I thought I was from a different planet. I don't where I'm from, but I do know that my planet has much less gravity, it's a big status thing to be unemployed, and the air is 50% Nitrous Oxide.
• I just get so confused sometimes that I feel like killing everybody that I see. See that's my problem ... I am too ambitious ... or lazy.
• I guess that's why I went to a psychiatrist for 16 years. Finally I stopped because I realized I couldn't help him ... I mean he didn't really want to change.
• You see the problem is that I used to be a heroin addict. I thought I could take drugs everyday without becoming addicted.
• I used to spend a hundred dollars a day on heroin, then I went to a rehab where they charged $1500 a day for no drugs. Is that fair. I mean I had a lot more overhead.
• That's where I did my first comedy routine. It was talent night at the rehab. It was right after the volleyball game ... between the drug addicts and the psychotics. I could have played on either team. I couldn't decide ... they both sounded so good. The psychotics killed us. They had better drugs.
• Recovery was really hard. One of the hardest things was that we had to piss in a bottle when someone else was watching. The patient in the bathroom with me was very kind. He would turn away and not watch. I felt so comfortable that eventually I was able to piss in front of him. Now I go to a urinal in a public bathroom ... just to show off.
• There was one man there who confided in me. He told me that everyone thought he was stupid just because he was so big. I told him it wasn't true, I said, "In your case it's just a coincidence." Lucky for me ... he didn't get it.
• The doctors wanted to give me drugs so that I would be able to function. They wanted to give me Haldol which, they claimed would filter out all the bad external stimuli and let my concentrate on the important stuff. Smart drug, I said, "How does it know which is the bad stuff to filter out and the good stuff to let in?"
• I look much better now that I'm off drugs. Today Somebody stopped me on the street and asked me for directions. I was so flattered. I said to her, "Wow, you could have asked anybody on this whole street for directions ... but you chose me!" It was too bad she ran away, because I would have given her the best directions she ever got.
• My father has a good line when he thinks I am making him tense. In his most soothing voice he makes this suggestion ... "RELAX!!!"
• My father once commanded me, "Jay! come here! COME HERE!" He said, "Come here! How long does it take for to come?" So I told him the truth ... "10 minutes ... to 2 days." You see, sometimes it can take 2 days if there is someone else there to distract me and I have to wait till they leave
• I was so unhappy, I felt like running away from home, but I was scared they would cancel my credit cards. I hate to use the credit card when it's no good. They cut it up into little pieces and then they say they can't give it back. I remember the cashier said, "Shame on you!" What could I say but, "Can I borrow ten bucks?"
• I used to live in LA, and after I lost my home, I met this guy in a parking lot. He said he was collecting money for the homeless people. I said, "Great, I'm homeless! How much money did we get?"
• Ever notice how everybody in New Jersey claims that it only takes them ten minutes to get to work in the morning. I mean I live here and it takes me a half hour ... and I work in my living room. Well, I mean I don't work for money. I tried it once and I didn't like it. I find it makes too many unnecessary demands on my leisure time. It's not for me.
• You see most men peak at 17, while women peak at 30. But I peaked at 4. The best years of my life started when I became potty trained and ended when I went to Kindergarten. As I walked into school on my first day on Kindergarten I knew the party was over. I knew that I would be going to school everyday for many years until I grew up and then I would be working everyday after that for the rest of my life. Boy was I wrong.
• I don't like to think of myself as unemployed, I like to think of myself as part of the leisure class.
• After I haven't seen someone in a long time they always say two things. "1) Boy you've lost (or gained) weight and 2) Did you get a job?" Like what do they think.
• Sometimes I program computers, but what I do for a living is get yelled at by my father. And I get paid rather handsomely for that. My role model was my uncle, who would get yelled at by my grandfather. When I heard my grandfather yelling at my uncle I knew they were better than we were. My uncle once told me that it was okay to get a job, but he said I should never work more than 3 months because then my father would know that I can do it and he will stop supporting me. Anyway, when my grandfather died, my uncle retired. He couldn't work anymore. He just couldn't be yelled at by anyone else ... he was happy to be someone's role model.
• But my parents still want me to get a job. My father said Jay, you're 39 years old, why don't you have a job. Now I didn't understand what his problem was. I mean I was 38 and I didn't have a job ... what's the difference? What's the rush? My father says, "Jay, when are you going to get a job?" Like I can predict the future. So I said, "I have an interview lined up for next week. He said, "NO! No! No more interviews. Enough with the interviews! Just get a job!"
• The employment agent always says, "When can you start?" I say, "In about two weeks." They say "Two weeks from today?" I say, "No. Two weeks from whenever I get the job. Don't rush me!"
• I just came back from a job interview in Boston. I was really nervous. I was scared I was going to get the job. I'm too old for a change of lifestyle. But I was successful. I didn't get the job. All I can say is that I didn't like them either. All they did was complain. They didn't tell me how much they liked my suit. They complained that I brought my cat. How can you work with people that don't love animals. Anyway they would want me to work during the time of the day that I usually devout to shopping. How could I take a job as a computer consultant and give up this career.
• I've gone through a career change. I used to be an unemployed computer consultant, now I am an unemployed humor consultant. Actually if I ever got a job as a computer consultant, that would have been a career change.
• I went to this tarot card fortune teller and I asked, "When I am going to get a job and what do I have to do to get a date?" And he told me that I was going to be very successful but I was going to have to stop asking other people for advice.
• I was walking down a street in New York and heard a pay phone ringing. I answered the phone and a women's voice say, "I want to suck on you." I thought to myself, "Do I really want to start a relationship with someone who can't speak English?" So I said, "This is a pay phone." She said, "Yes, and I want to suck on you." I said, "Well listen, I am in a rush right now and I don't have time for any of this. Let me give you my phone number and you can call me at home." ... Well to make a long story short, it didn't work out for the two of us. Yeah sure we had the greatest sex. It was the best sex ... all the time. It's just that I wanted something more than that from the relationship, I also wanted to meet her.
• The problem is that I've always felt like a girl. A girl trapped in a man's body. I am attracted to girls so that would make me like a male lesbian. But lesbians don't look at me like one of them. They think I am a man. And to tell you the truth, I do make a real ugly girl. What I need is a girl who feels like she has a man trapped in her body. But this could get complicated because we'd probably end up fighting over who takes out the garbage or which one gets pregnant.
• My friend told me that I was looking for the wrong kind of girl. He told me to find Spanish speaking girls. He said they are the best at sex anyway. I said okay where do I find these girls. He said, "If I knew that, do you think I would be standing here talking to you?"
• I asked my friend why girls don't like me. He said, "It isn't just girls, I don't like you either."
• I get so distracted when I drive sometimes that when I get to a stop sign, I stop and wait for it to change.
• Another thing I do that is really stupid is locking 2 locks on the door when I leave the apartment. What do I think that a burglar is going to break the first lock and then give up. "Oh, I didn't know there were two locks, I can't get in here."
• Ever notice that sign that says, "Occupancy by more than 80 persons is dangerous and unlawful." Now let me get this straight. 79 persons is safe and lawful ... 1 more person walks ... all of a sudden it becomes dangerous and unlawful. What is this one person doing that really makes it so dangerous. And where is he when we really need him?
• I used to take Karate. I used to spend hours each day in front of the mirror practicing threatening stances. But then I said who are you kidding? You're Jewish. So instead I practiced saying trust me. You do trust me don't you?
• But I am not Jewish anymore because I had a lot of resentment about being sexually mutilated as a child during the ancient Jewish ritual called circumcision. So I converted to an Eastern religion. Now I'm a Taoist. The only trouble is ... I don't look Taoish.

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