21 March 2005 Last Updated ; Written: August 1989
i wrote this over 15 years ago when i was the editor of the local New York City Overeaters Anonymous
Newsletter, "The Metro Memo". It was supposed to make fun of people who go out to eat and are very
unreasonable. it was supposed to be a satire. People in Overeaters Anonymous would very often make fun of the way they
used to behave.
anyway, since then, i have put it on rawtimes and everyonce in a while someone comments. those are the most ridiculous of all.
it is usually some restaurant worker who is really pissed at the customers, and then just yells at me for advising the
customers to do the same. there seems to be something about working at a restaurant that can be irritating. i used to f
feel bad about the misunderstanding. but i have changed my mind. the restaurant workers are making their living selling
Guidelines for Eating Out
- Never sit in the table they give you. Or one near the kitchen
or the front door or the bar or the smoking section. Avoid round tables.
Don't face the wall or a corner. Don't settle for a chair that wobbles.
- Never smoke in a restaurant. Always sit in the non-smoking section.
If you see anyone smoking in your area ... complain.
- Don't let the waiter rush you. If the next course is served before
you have finished the last, give it back to be warmed. When you receive
it again, send it back because it is overcooked
- Always send the check back to be re-added.
- Ask if they except American Express, but always pay cash unless your
card is platinum.
- Always ask what the specials of the day are, and shake your head no
after each one.
- Demand to speak to the chef.
- Don't over tip. Start out with %25 and deduct for anything you can think of.
- Always demand a table for four - even if you are alone and must say
you are expecting people to come later.
- Don't talk about food. Never chew with your mouth open or listen
with your mouth empty, it makes people think you're listening too hard
and they are less likely to slip good gossip.
- If the waiter asks you how the food is, criticize; if not, deduct
from the tip.
- Never order alcohol or diet soda, insist on fresh fruit juice,
shaken with ice, strained in a tall glass with a straw and two ounces
of unsalted carbonated spring water.
- Never order carry out and ask if you can eat it there.
- Always order dressing on the side and use all of it.
- Never ask for a doggie bag.
- Never use plastic chopsticks. You may bring your own wooden ones if you have to.
- Never share food unless you are eating with your mother.
- Never say you're on a diet, even if you eat chocolate cheesecake,
claim it's on your food plan.
- Don't act like an expert, always claim your nutritionist told you.
- Always ask for more napkins, more lemon, and a straw.
- Never use table pepper, always ask for a fresh peppermill.
- If you have to make reservations, use a doctor's name.
- Never order anything on the menu, have them cook something special.
If you follow these simples rules every day, you will be ready to read
next month's sequel article called, "Learning to Cook at Home."
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