Best of Steve Wright

• "When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

• You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...

• "I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'." "Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."

• I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

• What's another word for thesaurus?

• I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.

• I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

• The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

• Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."

• When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

• I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

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