Roy Holman

Written Mon, 18 Aug 1997

Greetings to everyone,

I am new to the list and would like to briefly introduce myself and share my raw story. I live in Seattle and help run a small Raw Food Education & Support Group here.

I jumped into the raw food life 3 years ago while living in Guatemala. As with everything I do, I did it with full enthusiasm, perhaps too much. I was so excited, I went pretty much all raw, and even did a 2 week, distilled water fast - quite challenging for a thin, vata constitution type like me. I wanted everyone to experience the wonderful energy I was enjoying.

Well, the two-month cleansing crisis dampened my enthusiasm a bit. I had giardia, amoebas, constant diahrrea, poor circulation, and got down to under 100 pounds (I'm 5' 8"). Then I developed severe food cravings and became totally fixated on food: planning and preparing meals, shopping, fasting, bingeing. Now, after 3 years of this, I am only starting to let go of this preoccupation, and I attend eating disorder groups each week.

Through it all, I continued with a diet of about 75% raw food. The reasons for my problems? There are many that I have learned enroute: First, I was doing too much fruit (about 50% of my diet the first year or two, along with 25% raw veggies, about 10% raw nuts, & seeds, and some cooked grains, beans, etc.). I learned I am hypoglycemic as well - I was up and down like a yo-yo, ungrounded, with poor concentration, etc. Also, my body was furious! It lost trust in me (I was resisting its call for heavier, grounding foods like fats, proteins, and foods such as potatoes, grains, more nuts, etc.). My body feared I would starve it to death - the fasts and diet rigidity apparently brought up lots of past-life issues of self-punishment and starvation. I was messing with food, which goes directly to root chakra issues of survival. I also began to realize that food had always been an emotional numbing tool for me to some extent - longer-lived and more reliable than my earlier bouts with other methods I had used to numb myself or gain love in the past: alcohol, drugs, sex. I began to see that I was using food to avoid either unpleasant feelings or when I was feeling really good. I simply was scared of feeling anything - I would numb out both the ups and the downs, to stay in the apparently safe and familiar zone of mediocrity.

I could go on and on with this. But in short, I am learning to find balance: eating smaller meals, less fruit, mixing more grounding foods with my fruit meals, adding more sea veggies, greens, carrot juice, wheat grass, enzymes, bee pollen, nut/seed cheeses, spirulina, avocados, and allowing myself some comfort foods (soy yogurt, veggie burritos, brown rice, etc.) - as long as the transition lasts, even if it's my whole life. I have read extensively, and I had the opportunity to do a work-study at Gabriel Cousen's center in Arizona. I recently attended the Essene Gathering at Breitenbush.

I am learning lots of lessons the best way - experientially. The biggest: 1) Raw works. Through it all, I realized that I rarely get sick, I need less sleep, I have more energy, etc. 2) Trust and pay attention to, and communicate with the body. 3) Go slowly - with love and patience - it took me 40 years (along with whatever genes were contributed) of standard American diet to get here. 4) We are each unique - I need to get my own infrmation. Books and other info is great, but my body is the ultimate authority, along with ... 5) Spirit! We can't eat our way to God. Food is only one wonderful way to love ourselves and heal ourselves. If we get too serious and focused on it, and into our head, or judgemental or too worried about it, it defeats the purpose. If it's not done with love - true love - it's not worth doing. It might be better to lovingly eat a 100% cooked diet.

I am pretty healthy, but still coming into balance. I can't fast, or even miss many meals until my body gets over its fear of starvation, and truly trusts me. I try to allow it what it desires, within reason, and try not to feel guilty about it (Worry and guilt are more harmful than unhealthy food). It's been the most difficult time of my life, but I can finally, honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing: I am learning so much, and I hope to assist others on their healing paths.

Thanks you for allowing me this space, and I wish all of you the best of luck on your healing paths.

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